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What Would My Awesome 700 Year-Old Vampire Do? (The Answer Is: NOT Sparkle in Sunlight!)

I happened to see a hilarious post by The Rejectionist:

FOR GOD’S SAKE PEOPLE IF YOU WERE SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS OLD AND REALLY GOOD-LOOKING AND HAD SUPERPOWERS AND A BAZILLION DOLLARS WOULD YOU REALLY BE FARTING AROUND HIGH SCHOOLS AND WASTING YOUR TIME IN ALGEBRA II NO YOU WOULD NOT. YOU WOULDN’T. SO PLEASE WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE NOW. JUST DO IT FOR THE FUCKING ASSISTANT, OKAY? THINK OF IT AS COMMUNITY SERVICE.

Her frustration is palpable. And why not? How many times do you need to take high school-level algebra before you really get it?

Eight things my awesome 700 year-old vampire would do

  1. Secretly lead a vampire worshipping cult.
  2. Eradicate vampire hunters.
  3. Have a harem of hot chicks, who he all loves equally.
  4. Own Wall Street. Make Goldman Sachs look positively angelic and amateurish by comparison.
  5. Own the media.
  6. Own the Internet.
  7. Control the world’s superpower governments and politicians.
  8. Rule the universe with an iron fist.

What would your awesome 700 year-old vampire do?


4 comments to “What Would My Awesome 700 Year-Old Vampire Do? (The Answer Is: NOT Sparkle in Sunlight!)”

  1. Kissa Starling
    Comment
    1
    · July 30th, 2010 at 2:53 pm · Link

    My 700 year old vampire would be a woman of course and she would no longer need blood to live but sexual energy instead. She’d be surrounded by a harem of good looking men who would do her bidding at the flick of a wrist. She’d be beautiful and live in various places throughout the world since she would move every 75 years or so.



  2. Gail Roarke
    Comment
    2
    · July 30th, 2010 at 4:07 pm · Link

    My awesome 700 year-old vampire would be richer than rich. Compound interest is your friend, especially when you’re immortal! But he’d also have backup identities (complete with gold and other valuables stashed away) for when things go pear-shaped, as WILL happen occasionally when you live long enough.

    He’d be the “power behind the throne” in politics and business (being the front man is too high profile); 700 years of practice would make any merely mortal human’s attempts at guile as transparent as a three year-old.

    And he’d spend as much time as possible bedding beautiful young women, because what’s life without sex? Unbearable, that’s what!



  3. Renmiu
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    3
    · July 31st, 2010 at 8:32 pm · Link

    My 700 year – old vamp would never set foot in any school. He would be too busy having sex throughout the generations :D haha



  4. Hero Material
    Comment
    4
    · August 1st, 2010 at 9:31 pm · Link

    MY 700 year old vampire would spend a lot of his time reading vampire novels and laughing himself silly.




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